A recent email that I received from a parent questioning the validity of her child accusing her stepfather of an attempt to kiss her thighs, and of course the breaking of the McKenzie Phillips’ story, prompted me to write about this topic. As I began to write, I paused to think about the lies that I told my parents when I was a child (I wasn’t always saved). I lied about doing my homework. I lied about washing the dishes and mopping the floors just so I could go outside and play with my friends. I even lied about my health—forcing myself to cough and squeeze out tears on those days that I didn’t want to go to school. But never, not once, do I recall lying to maliciously hurt another person, particularly someone in my family. I don’t care how angry I was; it never happened.
Yet, time and time again children are accused of doing this very thing. They are accused of lying about being sexually abused. I’ve had many teenagers and adults tell me this. Unlike most victims, they revealed the secret of their sexual abuse early in life, only to have their parents accuse them of lying. Considering that very few victims ever find the courage to tell anyone about their experience, only 12% according to the American Psychological Association, I find this heartbreaking.
I never told my mother I was being molested—not as a child. I shared many things with her, but the thought of telling her about my family members and those close to me touching, rubbing, and violating my body never occurred to me. I was an adult when the words finally darted out of my mouth, piercing her like a thousand knives. Despite being a 29-year-old woman at the time, I can’t imagine what I would have felt like had she said, “Stephanie, you lie!”
So now, the question is, why? Why do parents and other family members do this? I asked my own mother, because not only was she molested, this very thing happened to her. My grandmother, an abuse victim herself, told my mother, “You lie!” As my mother and I discussed this issue I realized that many of the reasons we talked about were listed in my book, The Enemy Between My Legs. Therefore, I’ve decided to share an excerpt from my book that will hopefully educate you on this subject and convict any parent who’s ever been in this situation.
The Enemy Between My Legs (Pg. 71)
OTHER REASONS PARENTS DENY SEXUAL ABUSE
- FEAR: It is often the number one reason why people make many of the choices they do in life.
- People fear their spouse or family member going to jail.
- People are afraid of having their children removed from the home by the police or Child Protective Services.
- People are afraid of being attacked and harmed by the abuser.
- LONELINESS: They don’t want the relationship or marriage to end.
- FINANCIAL SECURITY: Some parents fear the inability to financially provide for their children upon a possible divorce or separation.
- SELFISHNESS: Some people are self-centered. They only consider themselves and the consequences that telling would have on their lives.
- LACK OF KNOWLEDGE: They didn’t know that it was a crime. Most people, including sexual abuse victims, don’t even recognize or acknowledge that a crime has been committed against them or their children. Some victims believe that because the abuser was a family member, it doesn’t count as a crime.
Of course this is not to say that children don’t lie about being molested. However, it’s highly unlikely to happen. If your child comes to you and says that someone is touching them inappropriately, regardless of who the perpetrator may be, I’m asking you, no, I’m begging you to put aside your personal feelings and investigate the situation. You must take into consideration that sexual abuse victims oftentimes become sexually promiscuous (66% of teen pregnancies and abortions are preceded by sexual assault), are alcohol and drug abusers, have low self-esteem, and are more likely to commit crimes and become sexual abuse offenders (75% of rapists were sexually abused). In other words—the facts do not lie. Your child’s future is at stake.
Stephanie L. Jones, Speaker, Survivor and Sexual Abuse Victim Advocate & Author of The Enemy Between My Legs.
Copyright 2009, Stephanie L. Jones
Today, I believe that we, as adults, have been desensitized by the mass media. We have seen so many ridicules TV programs and talk shows, such as Jerry Springer that whenever we think of a dysfunctional kid, we think of this trash that appears on these shows. I believe that this is the reason that people often down play the seriousness of sexual or child abuse. We think of some stupid kid that would appear on the Jerry Springer show, and it discredits many of their complaints/allegations, and often discourages them from coming forward. I have noticed this with my own complaints of childhood sexual abuse. We are living in dangerous times, when a few media bosses have the ability to control and manipulate everyone else’s opinions.
I recently started a blog to try to let some of my emotions out. I cant believe how unjust our system is when it comes to the welfare of the children. I am trying to help my cousin who is now 16 molested at a very young age by our uncle and is now being molested by our 24 year cousin who lives in the same household. HOW CAN my aunt let this happen! How come no one is willing to help? CPS in omaha ne sucks!! They said that when they question her about this cousin raping her if she says no then thats it case closed. OMG! ARE YOU KIDDING ME. that is why the cycle doesn’t stop. I cant let this go. i have contacted various other places to file reports but i have come to find out unless the rape victim says YES then nothing will be done. WHAT dont these moroons understand about a child victim. they are scared out of their minds. This is really aftecting me so i am glad that i found your site. and i will continue to work on my blog to relieve some of this stress!!!
Carolyn,
Thank you for sharing your story with me, and I’m sure I’ll use it in an example going forward. I had this conversation earlier this week at a Domestic Violence forum. THE REALITY, and I stress those words – THE REALITY (not to scream at you, but to stress those words), is that victims do not want to prosecute those who molest them. I’ve been doing this work for several years now and I’ve only met one person that prosecuted her offender (her father).
It’s a very difficult decision for a person to make, especially a child. Victims know that there’s a chance of that person spending the rest of their life, or at least 20-30 years, in jail, and they’re just not willing to bear the pressure of that decision. I’m not talking about the pressure they’ll receive from the offender, but pressure that will arise from family members and friends. Yes, they’re hurting. Yes, they understand that the person could be molesting someone else. Yes, they know… (fill in the blank). Yet, the love they have for the person, who oftentimes is a father, mother, brother, aunt, uncle, cousin, or grandparent, outweighs what they know and understand. I’ve had women tell me that they chose not to tell on a “mother’s boyfriend” because they didn’t want their mother to be mad at them.
Carolyn, it’s such a complicated situation. I know that sometimes people think that I agree with this decision not to prosecute, but that’s simply not true. However, I just choose to focus my energy on the almost 100% of the abused who do not and will not tell or prosecute. I choose to focus on helping them heal and move forward in their lives.
You can’t be mad at CPS because if you remove your personal feelings from the equation, you’ll see that they can’t prosecute someone when the “victim/star witness” is saying that it didn’t happen. The system must abide by the laws they set. You need to focus on your cousin. You need to accept that she may not and probably will not prosecute, and if that is the case, focus on helping her heal!
God Bless YOU!
Be encouraged… Be inspired… Be healed!
Thank you so much for that. I feel lost with all this information that I am receiving. I myself am a survivor of child abuse. No one was ever there for me. Then when I started actually letting myself feel and remember everything that my uncle did, it was overwhelming and the sad thing is I was an adult when I finally told and started to get help. I say sad because at that time it was too late to prosecute. I tried, but of course nothing happened. The hatred I have for him used to eat me up 24/7, but then I was living my life and now a whole bunch of stuff is coming out with those of us that are adults. I am angry that the family know and it continues to happen in our family. That is what I have a hard time understanding. How do I leave it alone where do I focus my energy? I pretty much am cutting all ties with the family except for my siblings and parents.
thanks again.
That “hatred that is/was eating YOU up” is why I focus so much on healing for the victim. So many people are failing to walk in their purpose and live happy and whole lives because of hate, while the person they’re hating has moved on. Hating drains you of your energy! I would tell you to focus your energy on yourself first! A hurting person can’t help another hurting person. Why? Because usually all they’ll do is let their own hurt, anger and frustration seep over onto the person they’re trying to help. They’ll say things and give the person bad advice that’s based off of their broken hearts and bruised emotions. Now they’re both feeling bad! I wouldn’t tell you to keep silent. The more I talk about this problem in my own family, the more people speak up and begin to cry out. I know the day is coming to where the victims will get to the point where they say, “NO MORE!” They’ll become victorious! Keep talking! Pray for yourself. Pray for your family. Pray for your cousin. Don’t cut all ties and don’t give up. If you give up, how will they see the light? I talk about family hurt and family pain in my book (please share your feedback once you read it). I know it hurts, but take it one day at a time. God Bless You!
This has been an issue of mine for years as my family STILL refuses to believe that anything such as molestation could possibly have happened to me by one of their trusted friends. It hurts me to the core to think that my parents did everything they could to keep me safe from harm, and did what it took to give me the best out of life, but instead of believing when I told them I was being molested (around age 7 or 8!), they made me apologize to them and to my abuser!
Thanks for creating a blog about this very important issue in our society that is too often swept under the rug, keeping its victims from seeking help and healing from its effects.
Thomas, thank you for your courage and boldness! I appreciate you and I’m sure that all of the people who stop by to read my blog does too. I will do much more with this blog once my new website is complete.
Thought: I hear so many people say, “My family doesn’t/didn’t believe me.” For the most part, I don’t ‘believe’ that to be true. I believe it’s more of a denial issue. It allows a family to easily deal with their own hurt, embarrassment, and for parents – guilt. This is especially true with parents who knew or suspected molestation was taking place. Denial allows them to compartmentalize their guilt and “feelings” of being a bad or irresponsible parent.
Thomas, again, thank you! Choose Healing!
Agape!